Speculation: F58 part 2

Let me start by saying this was excellent, and a pleasure to read. Not being very good at the quote system, I'm just going to copy-paste the pertinent parts, and point out what I saw.

You have your memories in tact and are now a Dreamer.”
-Here, make it "intact," instead of "in tact."

I tensed, extremely uneasy and I tried to pull my hand away, but it seemed to stick to the creatures ice cold skin.
-you need an apostrophe before the s in 'creatures'

It’s face seemed to have an expression resembling shock, but it was hard to tell because of it’s deformed features.
-I'm not sure about this, but I think you might have used the wrong 'its'. Check with someone else, though- that's the one thing I never quite got right as a child learning grammar.

It was like someone pulling the strings on a puppet, the only problem; I was the puppet.
-This is a correct sentence, though I would have used a - in place of the ;. That might just be me, however. It's fine already.

My feet just seemed to fly underneath me. I was moving faster than I could have imagined.
-I would recommend combining these sentences.

“My names Jackie,” I said softly, trying to sound kind and welcoming.
-You need an apostrophe before the s in names.

Everything started to go blurry. I dimly saw the creature, J87, bend over and say in a hushed voice,” Something has to be done to prevent the successes from escaping like this. N02 was worse, but we can’t afford to loose these ones.” It’s ice cold hand touched my shoulder and I lost consciousness.
-Your quotation marks are facing the wrong way, and attached to the wrong word at the beginning. It should be attached to Something, and not voice.


Hopefully this helps, and best of luck. Can't wait to read more!

The story and concept are interesting. You kept up the level of suspense throughout. The pacing was well done.

Also the mystery on whether Jackie was even human or a clone (manufactured for the purpose of being a Dreamer) made the character intriguing. There are several emotional possibilities that can be derived from that scenario.


So keep up the good work.

This is interesting, I'd really like to see what happens next. Please, please, please post some more!
There's just one thing; this is a really good story, don't ruin it by making it all creepy and afterlifey.
The misshapen creatures are fine, I love the imagination in this. But I wish you would get on with it! And, at the same time add some more description. You don't have top jump ahead too far, just give the reader some idea of what might happen. Or is that what you wanted? To have the reader as puzzled as the main character? Maybe it's just me, you're such an intriguing writer that I want more.
Anywho, keep up the good work and thanks for reviewing my story!

Hey I liked the chapter

The only thing is, I think you should put more detail into it. Like how she feels, what does it smell like maybe, how does it feel..... Make the reader feel what the characters are feeling

It was a great chapter, rushed but kept me reading.

I enjoy the character and her life before, I like how you incorporated her past with her present situation.

All in all it was really good.

Sorry, I'm not usually that harsh. I most commonly focus on the story line.

This is pretty interesting. Confusing. Although at a start of a story it can be affective to be confusing as long as you put suspense to it. Which you did by making it so bizarre.

I thought to myself this reminds me of a good twilightzone episode. Then I realized that my brother is watching it in the next room... da da daa...

Could use more details. How does her head feel? How does being ripped apart feel? How did running from dinausor dogs feel? And so much more if you dig into it.

I've seen where other writers have tried not to make a story to long. You didn't do this(as far as i can tell). But that doesn't benefit the story. Give the story what it needs to really survive and accomplish, cause if it's good than wouldn't the reader maybe want it to be long.......?

mmmhhhmmm.

Nice. imaginative.